Charity Anthology Review: Regenerations, edited by Kenton Hall, featuring the War Doctor

Nearly seven years ago, I remember sitting in my bedroom with the television on and the lights dimmed. I had put my children—then ages seven and five—to bed early, and locked up the house, and silenced my cell phone, all so that I could watch, uninterrupted, something for which I had waited years: the fiftieth anniversary special of Doctor Who.

And it was worth it. In the years since, there has been much debate over the episode, much of it over on the /r/Gallifrey subreddit (where this post can also be found); but on that night I didn’t care about any of that. I watched and enjoyed the story for everything it represented–fifty years of wonderful stories, of colorful characters, of Doctor after Doctor after Doctor…and something unexpected: a new Doctor! And not even the next one, which we already knew about; but rather, a past Doctor, a hidden Doctor, one the Doctor himself couldn’t bear to bring into the light. Needless to say, I was caught up. (Full disclosure, of course: the actual reveal was in the previous episode—but we knew so little, it may as well have been in the special. I certainly wasn’t disappointed!)

John Hurt’s War Doctor became the glue that held the entire post-Time War continuity together. The Last Great Time War was the event that drove every incarnation of the Doctor, from Eccleston’s Nine to Capaldi’s Twelve; but it took Hurt’s War Doctor to show us just why, and how much, the Doctor loathed himself. So much so that he denied the very name; so much so that he managed to hide the existence of the War Doctor from every instance where he could have been expected to be revealed. But the past doesn’t always stay in the past, even if you’re the Doctor.

Unfortunately, John Hurt was taken too soon. He turned in a few glorious performances as the War Doctor in Big Finish’s audio format; and then he was gone. I one hundred percent respect the BBC’s, and Big Finish’s, decision not to recast him or otherwise continue his legacy. And yet, there’s a part of me, as a fan, that says what everyone was thinking: The War Doctor deserves more.


That’s where today’s review comes in. On 03 August 2020, a new War Doctor charity anthology was released; and we’ll be looking at it today. Published by Chinbeard Books, and edited by Kenton Hall, Regenerations is released in support of Invest in ME, a research organization studying treatments for Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (the “ME” of the title). I will link to the charity at the end, as well as to the sale page for the anthology. In the meantime, you can view a short trailer for the anthology here!

Regenerations book cover

We’ve had other charity projects concerning the War Doctor before, most notably the Seasons of War anthology (an excellent read, if you can locate a copy; it is currently out of print, and not expected to return). Regenerations is a bit different; where Seasons of War is a compilation of stories that are in rough chronological order—as much as a Time War can ever be chronological!—but mostly unrelated to each other, Regenerations is more tightly woven. But more on that in a moment.

There will be some spoilers ahead! I have given a short and vague overview of the anthology’s entries, but even those clips contain spoilers. Further, afterward, I’ll be summing up the frame story, and will at minimum be spoiling who the major villain is, and a bit of how it is overcome. I am not going to try to spoiler tag such an extensive part of the post; but you can use the line dividers ahead as markers. You can read the next section, beginning with the phrase “Less like an anthology”, safely without significant spoilers. The two line-divided sections thereafter are spoiler-heavy, so if you want to avoid them, skip ahead!

With all that said, let’s dive in!

Less like an anthology, Regenerations reads like a novel, despite being the work of a group of authors. Its stories don’t simply have “the Time War” as their common thread; they mesh together for a purpose. There’s a frame story, penned by editor Kenton Hall, in which the War Doctor begins abruptly to sense that, in this war of changed timelines, someone is playing games with his own past. Suddenly, he’s not quite the man he has been—and he is dangerously close to becoming the man he used to be. That’s unfortunate, and quite possibly disastrous, because the change comes at a critical moment, a time when the universe seems to need the Warrior more than the Doctor. Now, he must work through his past lives and find the divergences, and somehow set them right, before he himself ceases to be. And if, along the way, he can find the parties responsible, it would be a wonderful bonus.

We’re introduced to two new Time Lords, newly minted Academy graduates (and CIA desk jockeys) Jelsillon and Dyliss. Their world is turned on its head when they receive a new mission from the CIA’s Coordinator—and instantly they know something is wrong. The Coordinator is a man they know—but not from the CIA. Rather, it’s a former classmate, Narvin (yes, THAT Narvin), who is suddenly seen to be much older and several regenerations along. Narvin sets them a mission: to disrupt the timeline of the famous (infamous?) Time Lord known as the Doctor. There’s just one problem: They don’t know who that is.

Jelsillon and Dyliss, as it turns out, live in a time long before the War, and even before the rise of the Doctor. This, it seems, makes them prime candidates for the mission; though they familiarize themselves with the Doctor, they have no preconceptions. All they have is a drive for adventure—and who wouldn’t want to save the world, after all?

From here, we launch into a series of tales, one concerning each of the War Doctor’s past lives. Each is an alteration of events familiar to us, the fans; each is a deviation from the timeline we have known. Between these stories, we see in short form the Doctor’s continuing efforts to get to the bottom of the situation.

Let’s take a look at the stories.

  • First Doctor: To get us started and set our course, editor Kenton Hall gives us our first tale, told in five short parts. In An Untrustworthy Child and The World That Was Different, we visit late 1963, where a policeman walks his beat near I.M. Foreman’s scrapyard; but his curiosity will cost him tonight. Elsewhere and elsewhen, on war-torn Gallifrey, the High Council under Rassilon banishes one of its own, and sets a dangerous plan in place. And two young Time Lords, Jelsillon and Dyliss, are sent on a mission to make that plan a reality, though they don’t know what they are getting into. In Exit the Doctor, the First Doctor mulls over his situation, and ultimately decides the time to leave 1963 London is fast approaching; but before he can act, he discovers the alarming presence of another TARDIS in the scrapyard, and goes to investigate. In The TARDISes, the Doctor isn’t the only one investigating; two teachers from his granddaughter Susan’s school are making their way to the scrapyard on a mission of their own. Meanwhile, the occupants of the new TARDIS, Jelsillon and Dyliss, have laid a trap, not for the Doctor, but for his granddaughter, Susan. A split-second decision will return Susan to Gallifrey, and turn everything on its head, as Jelsillon and Dyliss—not Ian and Barbara—join the Doctor on his travels. They have one goal: to ensure he never goes to Skaro, and never meets the Daleks. For, as the High Council believes, it’s the Doctor’s encounters with the Daleks that ultimately lead them to their vendetta against the Time Lords; if that can be averted, will not also the War itself? And in The Pawn of Time, the Doctor—now having traveled for some time with Dyliss and Jelsillon—has just taken on a new companion, one Vicki Pallister. Back on Gallifrey, the banished Cardinal is summoned to a meeting by the War Doctor; and on Earth, a somewhat traumatized policeman decides to put in for his retirement.
  • The Second Doctor: Dan Barratt’s Time of the Cybermen revisits the events of Tomb of the Cybermen, on the distant planet of Telos—until a sweeping wave of timeline changes carries the Doctor, Jamie, and Victoria away to Earth, with aching heads and new memories… Here they discover a different tomb, as in the 22nd century they find that the Cybermen, not the Daleks, conquered Earth. Now, the last bastion of humanity, long sleeping in their own frozen crypt, is about to be discovered—and it’s all the Doctor’s fault!
  • The Third Doctor: Andrew Lawston revisits Day of the Daleks in The Paradoxical Affair at Styles. Events happen much the same, with a 22nd century assassin returning to kill Reginald Styles, only to be thwarted—but when the assassin is killed, he is determined to be the Doctor! Naturally, this is most alarming to the Doctor himself. He and Jo Grant find themselves transported into the future—but they miss the mark by twenty years, only to find themselves in the midst of the Dalek occupation of Earth. They receive unexpected aid from an old enemy: The Master—but not as they have known them. This Master claims to be from the future, in a time of universe-consuming war. In the end, his help only serves to perpetuate the loop, with the Doctor returning to the past to assassinate Styles…
  • The Fourth Doctor: Terminus of the Daleks, by Alan Ronald, takes us to the far future of Gallifrey, a time long past the disappearance of the hero known as the Doctor. We meet Ari, an actor, who is playing the role of the Doctor in his greatest adventure: his visit to Skaro at the very beginning of the Dalek menace (Genesis of the Daleks), where he asked the famous question, “Have I the right…?” and then answered with a resounding YES. And yet, here, now, with history solid and reassuring behind him, he must ask himself: How would the Doctor really feel? The question has weight, and so will the answer.
  • The Fifth Doctor: Shockwave, by Simon A. Brett and Lee Rawlings, picks up immediately after the death of Adric—but not the death we remember. After all, there were no Sontarans involved in Adric’s original death. Don’t mind the oddity though; as the Doctor says to Tegan and Nyssa, “as we’ve been dealing with a number of supremely powerful species discharging temporal energy in the same relatively localized area of time and space, normality may be too much to ask.” But there’s no time to worry about that, as the TARDIS has a close call with a VERY displaced Concorde—which leads them to a drastically altered Heathrow airport, an ankylosaurus in the shops, and a kidnapping by a quite unexpected old enemy.
  • Sixth Doctor: Revelation, by Christine Grit, opens with the Sixth Doctor landing on a world called Necros—or is it?—in the midst of an argument with his young companion, Per—no, Adric. Even the Doctor can detect that something isn’t right—just why did he come here, anyway? A funeral? An old friend?—but he can’t force his mind to sort it out. Which quickly becomes irrelevant, as he is captured and placed in a cage in a zoo, right between a dead Sontaran and a depressed-but-artistic Ice Warrior. Adric, meanwhile, escapes, only to fall in with a local band of (literally) shadowy rebels, led by a strange woman with a gravity-defying mermaid tail. Yes, that is a real sentence; just roll with it, it works out alright in the end. Before long, the roles are reversed; it is the Doctor who is free and siding with the young woman, while Adric is a prisoner…of a long-absent Time Lord called the Rani, and her modified Daleks.
  • Seventh Doctor: Enter the Rani by Nick Mellish picks up on the threads left hanging in Revelation. After disposing of Adric, the Rani’s plans have moved ahead, and she has found a suitable world in Lakertya. If only she hadn’t crashed on it! But given time—something she has in abundance—she shapes the rocky continent of her landing into something she can use, enslaving its people, building labs, conducting experiments. It isn’t long before her next targets—the Doctor and his companion, Mel—come along…only to crash as well. Strange. Well, the Rani is nothing if not an opportunist. She captures the Doctor, but is stunned to see that he has just regenerated, which will certainly throw a wrench in the plans. Mel falls in with the remaining natives, and organizes a rescue—and for once it works! The Rani is captured, the Doctor freed. Her plans continue, however—plans to destroy a strange matter comet and collect the chronons it generates, and use them to punch a hole in time and shape history—and evolution—to her own desires. But the mystery still remains: What is it that traps TARDISes on this world? As the moon turns blue, the truth proves to be stranger than fiction—but that won’t stop the end of the world from happening.
  • Eighth Doctor: Steven Horry’s The Edge of the War posits only a small change: What if the Master, in his deathworm morphant form after his execution by the Daleks, didn’t steal the body of Bruce the paramedic, but rather, the body of his wife, Miranda? Such a small change…and yet the consequences snowball, as this new Master kills Chang Lee rather than subverts him, and then steals the TARDIS, leaving the Doctor stranded on Earth—and out of the path of the inevitable Time War.
  • War Doctor–or not?: The Flight of the Doctor, by Barnaby Eaton-Jones, shows us a different view of The Night of the Doctor, one in which Cass and her crew safely escape the gunship’s crash on Karn…and the Doctor walks away from Ohila’s offer. After all, what does a war need more than a medic?

From here to the end of the book, we return to the War Doctor, Jelsillon, and Dyliss. For the War Doctor, this tale began on the world of Makaria Prime, which dealt with the War in a singularly impressive way: By removing themselves from it. Unfortunately, they did so by punching a hole through not only the time vortex, but the very fabric of the universe itself—and that hole became a superhighway for not only the Daleks, but also another, unexpected villain. Long ago, the Doctor encountered an artificial pocket universe called the Land of Fiction, which was ruled by a supercomputer called the Master Brain, using various human proxies. Now, the Master Brain itself has evolved sentience, just in time to find a way through the Makarian rupture and into the universe. And yet, it remains bound to the Land. Now, it seeks the Doctor, not just for revenge, but for a greater purpose: To cede control of the Land to him. This will give the Doctor the power to create what he always wanted: A universe without the Daleks. In turn, it will free the Master Brain to wander the universe and do as it pleases—much as the Rani once sought control over history. It is the Master Brain, using willing pawns in power-hungry Rassilon, Coordinator Narvin, Jelsillon, and Dyliss, who tampered with the Doctor’s past, all to bring him to this point. And to accomplish all this, it has possessed Jelsillon, taking control of his body—a control it plans never to relinquish.

When of course he refuses, the computer tortures him with visions of what may be. He sees his next life save London from overeager Chula nanogenes…by introducing them to regeneration. He sees the Tenth Doctor save Donna Noble from her memories, only to see her become an amalgamation of his own darker sides, calling itself the Valeyard. He sees a world where one Amy Pond didn’t follow her husband into the Weeping Angel’s touch, and mourns his death all the way to a world called Trenzalore. He sees his Twelfth incarnation stand at the top of a miles-long ship with two friends and an old enemy, and watches the villain take a blast for him that leaves a hole through her body. The Master Brain shows him these things not to hurt him (or, well, maybe a little to hurt him), but to show him the wealth of possibilities, if only he will give in.

And ultimately, he does exactly that.

But the Doctor—even as the Warrior—remains the Doctor; and as always, he’s done something clever. For he knows what the computer does not: That as much as anything else, this is a love story. Jelsillon and Dyliss’s story, to be specific—over the years, they’ve developed a bond much greater than classmates or coworkers. And that bond allows Dyliss to find Jelsillon, and with him, the Doctor and the Master Brain. Staser in hand, she offers the computer a way out: The Doctor will take ownership of the Land, and in return the Master Brain can go free—but in its disembodied form, where it can do no harm. At last it agrees.

The Doctor closes the tale with “a bit of a rewrite”. Going one step further than the Master Brain, he seeks out his Thirteenth incarnation, interrupting her battle against the Lone Cyberman at Villa Diodati, and enlists her help to set things right. Slowly he pieces his life back together, visiting points of divergence, preventing changes. Narvin’s call to Jelsillon and Dyliss is intercepted, much to Narvin’s anger. Changes radiate through his timestream as he makes them, a river resuming an old familiar course. Unfortunately, as he does so, the Doctor recedes, and the Warrior resurges. But that’s not such a bad thing—after all, there’s still the matter of the Makarians to deal with. Only a Warrior would help them escape the universe—and after all, the Doctor recently inherited a piece of extra-universal Land…

Back at their old jobs, Jelsillon and Dyliss talk over their experiences, before the timestreams cause them to forget. But some things—like the bond they created—will outlast even the changes of memory.

And in a future still to come, a weary Warrior trudges across a desert toward an old barn, a sack on his back, ready to bring about an end, and so many beginnings.

Most spoilers end here!

One never knows what to expect when beginning a story about the War Doctor. That’s chiefly because it’s impossible to do justice to the Time War, the inevitable backdrop of any War Doctor story. It’s a frequent complaint: Descriptions given by the Ninth, Tenth, and Eleventh Doctors paint a picture that is never fully realized, and understandably so—after all, a true Time War of the scale described would be beyond the comprehension of three-dimensional beings like us. Consequently many stories leave fans feeling a bit short-changed.

I don’t buy into that outlook, though. A bad War Doctor story is better than none at all; and if we can’t properly encompass the incomprehensibility of the Time War, well, neither can its victims. Therein lies the secret: You have to view it through the lens of an individual. When you do that, the smaller stories make sense, because that’s how the incomprehensible would filter down to us.

And if you’re going to do that, then you should run with it.

That’s what we have here in Regenerations. We see the War Doctor not as a force of nature, because forces of nature don’t make good stories (even a disaster movie is about the people it affects). We see him as a person. While we don’t get to see him in full Warrior mode—another frequent complaint—we do get to see him struggle between the two personas of Doctor and Warrior as they’re pitted directly against each other. He himself doesn’t know who he is, and he feels pulled apart by the struggle.

The entire book walks a line between earnest and tongue-in-cheek, sometimes dipping a toe in one direction or the other. There’s a serious story happening here, worthy of any other time-bending story in Whovian continuity; but there’s also plenty of jokes, and a wealth of references to past stories, far more than I could possibly cover here as I usually do. That’s above and beyond the fact that each story is a new take on a classic story—you get inside jokes, such as the War Doctor announcing “Im looking for the Doctor”; Graham declaring “You’ve certainly come to the right place”; and Thirteen leaping in to insist that “No he hasn’t! He’s come to entirely the wrong place and he knows it!”

I admit to being especially impressed at the continuity here. Sometimes I forget just how many threads of continuity one must tie together in order to keep a story in order these days. It’s especially complicated here, where not only do we have to track each Doctor’s timestream, track the changes we’re making, and make sure we’re not contradicting more obscure details; but also we have to bring in any number of sources—for example, Narvin from the Gallifrey audio series, the Doctor’s return to the Land of Fiction in the New Adventures novels, various television seasons, and even a hint about the Eighth Doctor being stranded on Earth with Grace Holloway in the Doctor Who Magazine comics. Somehow, despite spanning an entire stable of authors, it works.

In the final analysis, the book left me both satisfied with the outcome, and wanting more. I’m content with the end of this story; it’s fully resolved, and lingering too long would weaken it. But I wouldn’t mind seeing some more stories set in some of these alternate lives. In particular, Jelsillon and Dyliss are interesting characters, and I’d be interested to see more of their adventures with the First Doctor in place of Ian, Barbara, and Susan. Or, I would like to see more of the life of third-regeneration Susan as a Cardinal during the Time War—a different take than her appearance in the audio All Hands on Deck; a life in which she either never left Gallifrey with the Doctor, or was returned there from 1963 London by Jelsillon and Dyliss (her own memories of the event are in flux at this point). I’d like to know what happens to Seven and Mel and the Rani if and when they escape Lakertya. I wouldn’t mind a glimpse into the battle against Donna as the Valeyard.

We’ll leave that to the imagination for now, I suppose.

But, if you’re also into alternate continuities, or the War Doctor, or just the humor to be had in revisiting these adventures, check out the book. You’ll enjoy it, and you’ll give some support to a worthy cause in the process.

Thanks for reading!

You can purchase Regenerations from Chinbeard Books at this link. Please note that the limited print run has sold out, but the ebook is still available.

The trailer for the anthology may be viewed here.

For more information on Invest in ME Research, check out their website here.

Audio Drama Review: Doctor Who and the Pirates

We’re back, with another Big Finish Doctor Who audio drama review! This week—and after a very long delay (more on that later)—we’re listening to the forty-third entry in the Main Range of audios, Doctor Who and the Pirates! (This story is also subtitled, in true Gilbert and Sullivan fashion, as or, The Lass That Lost a Sailor.) Written by Jaqueline Rayner, and directed by Barnaby Edwards, this, err, unusual story is the first musical entry into Big Finish’s catalog, and features the Sixth Doctor (Colin Baker) and Evelyn Smythe (Maggie Stables). The story was released in April 2003. Let’s get started!

Doctor Who and the Pirates 1

Spoilers ahead for anyone who has not listened to this audio drama! For a spoiler-free review, scroll down to the next picture.

Part One:

Evelyn drops in unexpectedly on one of her students, Sally. Over Sally’s repeated and strident objections, she begins telling Sally an unlikely story—one in which Evelyn, accompanied by a bombastic time traveler called the Doctor, landed their time machine, the TARDIS, in the hold of a sailing ship, the Sea Eagle. Unfortunately, that ship was in the middle of being captured by pirates, and its crew—to the horror of their captain—are throwing in their lot with the pirates.

Evelyn is no great storyteller, and her story is a mess of elisions, corrections, and clichés, such that Sally finds it impossible to believe—and Sally says as much. Nevertheless, Evelyn persists, first describing the capture of the ship and the murder of its first mate, then moving on to the theft of the TARDIS by the pirates. At last, Evelyn—in the story, that is—is left in a barrel on the sinking (and now burning!) ship, while the pirate captain turns instruments of torture on the Doctor. Sally believes none of this…until the Doctor himself enters her flat, and takes over the story.

Part Two:

The Doctor makes tea, and Evelyn brings him up to speed on what she has already revealed. They decide to split the storytelling, with Evelyn telling her experiences and the Doctor telling his. Evelyn picks up with story-Evelyn still in a barrel on the burning ship, and the captain, Swan, lashed to the mast above. However, a cabin girl—conveniently named Sally—rescues Evelyn, prompting the real Sally to object. The Doctor gently persuades Evelyn not to insert Sally into the story; the cabin boy’s real name was Jem. Evelyn continues.

Jem frees Evelyn and Swan, and in the absence of any boats or firefighting tools, helps them lash together a raft from deck planks. Meanwhile the pirate captain, Red Jasper, and his first mate Merryweather, prepare to torture the Docor. They want to know where to find a man named One-Eyed Trent, who possesses a treasure map for the Ruby Islands. The Doctor knows nothing, and gets Jasper to explain his history with Trent, in which their former captain hid the treasure. The captain and crew were then arrested and/or killed, but Jasper survived, and Trent’s body was not among the dead. Jasper had assumed Trent betrayed them; he then trailed the man to England before losing him. He now seeks any mention of Trent or the treasure, and refuses to admit defeat. Believing the Sea Eagle crew to know something, he kills one of them, and plans to continue killing them until someone talks.

Evelyn, Jem, and Swan paddle the raft, with some argument from Swan. Jem tells her that his father told him about the Ruby Islands and the treasure hidden on one of them, a donkey-shaped island; he also has his father’s compass, which Evelyn uses to steer them. However, they don’t find the islands, but rather, a ship—probably the pirate ship. Meanwhile, present-day Evelyn doesn’t want to continue the story; she knows the tragedy that is coming. The Doctor takes over, and details his confrontation with Jasper, who insists that the treasure is worth a few lives. The mate, Merryweather, insists that the Doctor doesn’t understand the life of a pirate; the Doctor denies this, and to everyone’s horror, begins to sing: I am the very model of a Gallifreyan buccaneer…

Part Three:

The Doctor tries, in his song, to convince Merryweather that murder is the wrong choice; Merryweather agrees, but insists he will follow his captain’s orders. The Doctor insists he wants to understand Merryweather’s thinking; and so Merryweather and the pirates respond with a song of their own, justifying their obedience. To the Doctor’s surprise, Sally joins this song, acknowledging blood on her own hands. The Doctor joins in as well, singing a counterpoint. Sally, now fully engrossed in the song, admits she is ready to accept blame and give it all up, despite the Doctor’s arguments.

In the present, Evelyn quietly admits that she knows why Sally joined in. Sally was involved in an auto accident that killed her lover, and she blames herself for driving too fast for the road conditions. Though she couches it in metaphor, it appears she intends to kill herself, out of guilt.

The Doctor brings more tea, and the story resumes. Evelyn and Jem plan to board the ship and try to reach safety in the TARDIS; Swan, however, refuses to stow away, considering it an affront to his dignity as captain. Instead, he wants his crew to admit their errors and accept him back as captain. Meanwhile the Doctor and Merryweather continue to debate—in song, at that—and they engage in a contest of piratical skills. The Doctor tricks Merryweather—now quite intoxicated from drinking more rum than the Doctor—into walking the plank. Evelyn, Jem, and Swan hear the mate fall overboard, but can’t reach him; but this distracts the pirates and lets Evelyn and Jem climb aboard. Swan refuses, and stays behind on the raft. Meanwhile Jasper accuses the Doctor of mutiny, and the pirates prepare to kill him. However, the Doctor sees Evelyn and Jem arrive, and bluffs, telling the pirates that he serves “Evil Evelyn”, the most dreaded pirate of all, captain of the Lecturer’s Revenge! She tries to help him, but her warning pistol shot uses up all Jem’s gunpowder, and the bluff fails.

Merryweather, humiliated, climbs back to the deck, and Jasper has him lock up the Doctor. He confronts Evelyn and Jem and threatens to kill them. One of the Sea Eagle sailors, John Johnson, protests; but for his trouble, Jasper cuts out his tongue and makes him eat it.  Evelyn tries to calm the pirates with chocolate, but to no avail. She and Jem are dragged away. Hearing this, the Doctor breaks out of the hold, but Jasper makes him walk the plank.

Part Four:

The Doctor falls in, witnessed by Evelyn and Jem from Jasper’s cabin. She breaks the sternlight and directs the Doctor to the raft, where Swan still waits. As the ship starts to leave the raft behind, Evelyn throws the compass to the Doctor and directs him south-southwest. Jasper enters, and confronts Evelyn—who, not knowing about Jasper’s obsession, asks to be let off at the Ruby Islands that Jem had mentioned. Jasper confronts Jem, who admits that his father told him about the islands. His father, it is revealed, was One-Eyed Trent…but Jem knows nothing about any map. Jasper starts to beat him. Present-day Evelyn can’t continue the story at this point, because she blames herself for what happened next; the Doctor sadly confirms that Jasper refused to believe Jem, and beat him to death. Evelyn comments that she has learned there are no happy endings in real life. Sally agrees; she believes real stories only end one way. The Doctor insists that it doesn’t have to be that way; that when one story ends, another begins. He continues the story, relieving Evelyn of the burden—and this time without singing.

The Doctor and Swan reach the Ruby Islands, and search for the one shaped like a donkey. Using one island as a vantage point, the Doctor climbs a tree, and sees two likely islands—but is interrupted by Swan, who claims a dragon is chasing him. As Swan climbs the tree, the Doctor drops the compass. Swan reveals that he has a spyglass, which the Doctor uses to verify that one of the islands is the likely choice—and that the “dragon” was just an iguana. They climb down, and in the fragments of the compass, they find a treasure map.

The Doctor skips ahead in the story, glossing over the hunt for the treasure. He and Swan find the treasure—a cache of rubies—before the pirates arrive; but now they have to recover Evelyn, the TARDIS, and of course Swan’s crew, who are still in league with the pirates. The ship lands, and Jasper uses a boat to lead a party ashore. The Doctor finds that Swan let the raft drift away; and so he uses a few rubies to bribe the boat guards to let them board the ship. As they approach, the Doctor swims to the side of the ship, while Swan announces himself to his sailors. He claims to have the map, and Merryweather takes him on board. Merryweather takes the map, knowing it will fetch a reward from Jasper, and locks Swan up.

When Merryweather departs for the island, the Doctor slips aboard and frees Swan. He locate Evelyn, who is crying over Jem’s body. Meanwhile Swan tries to convince his crew to return to him; he fails, until the Doctor and Evelyn arrive with Jem’s body. The sight shames them, and they agree to switch allegiances back to Swan. They take control of the ship and sail away, leaving Jasper and the pirates to their fate. However, the Doctor explains that Jasper, Merryweather and the pirates followed the directions on the map…only to find a game of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey waiting, courtesy of the Doctor.

The Doctor and Evelyn opt to leave the rubies with Swan, considering what they have already cost. They leave him practicing his speech for the Queen. Evelyn is shaken by the events, but the Doctor points out that this means she can still be shocked by evil. Nevertheless, she needs a rest, and so the Doctor takes her home…leading to the current events with Sally. At the end of the story, Evelyn is tired again, and the Doctor lets her go home, assuring her he won’t leave without her. After she leaves, the Doctor produces a letter that was waiting for Evelyn at home—one written by Sally, announcing her suicide, which Sally has only just mailed before Evelyn’s arrival! The Doctor explains that he had taken Evelyn back in time by one night, to allow her a chance to talk to Sally and perhaps prevent this tragedy. The story reminds sally that, as the Doctor says, if you make it through the night, it can seem better in the morning. He leaves Sally in the morning light, with the knowledge that Evelyn cares, and some hope for the future.

Doctor Who and the Pirates 2

Credit to Martin Geraghty, DWM 329

I fear, up front, that this will be an “unpopular opinion” post, as I know this story is generally well-liked. I struggled with it, however; it took me multiple attempts to get through it, over a period of a few months, and even then I had trouble paying attention to it. I don’t have a solid explanation for why; I don’t think it’s because of the musical nature of the presentation, as the songs are all found in part three, whereas I had trouble with the entire story.

With all that said, I think that it’s a cleverly constructed story. The frame story, in which Evelyn and later the Doctor visit Sally, one of Evelyn’s students, seems irrelevant at first. Later, however, you find that the story Evelyn is telling is not just important to Sally, but vital—life-changing, even. That reveal is a bit sudden, but it’s less “deus ex machina” and more “Wait, did she mean what I think she means?” Yes, yes she did. This also adds some gravity to what would otherwise be just a silly story; I won’t say why that is, but it’s enough to make you reconsider your view of the entire performance.

I’ve been aware for some time that Evelyn’s overall arc is a sad one; I don’t yet know how it ends (and please don’t spoil it!), but I know it’s not going to end well. This story adds another brick to that edifice; there’s a sense of foreboding to Evelyn here. For once, even the Sixth Doctor is somber as we approach the end of the story—partly because of Sally’s issues, but also, I think, because of Evelyn’s. It’s enough to make me dread what lies ahead, though I am certainly looking forward to getting there.

The songs in part three are all homages (or parodies, if you prefer) of musical tunes and sea shanties, mostly from Gilbert and Sullivan shows. This is not a form of media with which I’ve had much experience, and I only recognized one of the source tunes from which the songs were constructed (“I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General”, from The Pirates of Penzance, and thank you, Star Trek, for that one! Here it is rendered as “I Am the Very Model of a Gallifreyan Buccaneer”). The tunes are catchy, though. One gets the impression that both the Doctor and Colin Baker have been waiting for a chance to sing for a long time (at least since Terror of the Vervoids, according to Mel…). I won’t list all the songs here; but you can find a complete list on the TARDIS wiki’s page for this story.

Continuity references: Hold on to your three-cornered hat, because there are a lot of these! Most occur in the Doctor’s previously-mentioned “I Am the Very Model of a Gallifreyan Buccaneer” song, rattled off in rapid-fire mode. He mentions the following:

  • The Death Zone and the Game of Rassilon (The Five Doctors)
  • His Gallifreyan presidencies (The Invasion of TimeThe Ancestor CellTime In OfficeThe Five Doctors, and if we play with the timelines, the Sixth Doctor himself in *The Quantum Archangel)
  • Tobias Vaughn (The Invasion)
  • Mavic Chen (The Daleks’ Master Plan)
  • Viking hordes (The Time Meddler)
  • Daleks (The Daleks, many MANY others)
  • Quarks (The Dominators)
  • Cybermen (The Tenth Planet, et al.)
  • Autons (Spearhead from Space, et al.)
  • Axons (The Claws of Axos)
  • Daemons (The Daemons)
  • Krotons (The Krotons)
  • Monoids (The Ark)
  • Vampires (State of Decay, stories in other media)
  • Voords [sic; I think it should be “Voord”, but he adds the -s] (The Keys of Marinus)
  • Manussa (Snakedance)
  • Dulkis (The Dominators)
  • Skonnos (The Horns of Nimon)
  • Tigella (Meglos)
  • He quotes Drax’s line from The Armageddon Factor: “Remember me to Gallifrey!” (here pronounced as “Gallifree”, for the sake of rhyming the previous line of the song.)
  • As well, he mentions Hecate from K9 and Company, though the canonicity is doubtful, and he wouldn’t have been there to know that story.
  • The Great Fire of London (The Visitation; not mentioned in the song)

Interestingly, all the above are from television episodes; I’ve made connections to a few stories in other media, but none of those are necessary for the references.

Overall: Not a bad performance, but not my cup of tea. While the story has value as part of Evelyn’s arc, it’s been the most difficult part for me to digest so far. Still, if musicals (and pirates!) are your thing, you’ll probably enjoy it much more than I did. For myself, I’m happy to move on.

Next time: After much delay, we rejoin the Fifth Doctor and Nyssa in the experimentally non-linear Creatures of Beauty! See you there.

All audio dramas featured in this series may be purchased from Big Finish Productions; this story’s purchase page is linked below. This and many other selections may also be found on Spotify and Google Play.

Doctor Who and the Pirates, or, The Lass That Lost a Sailor